Tips for Parents with kids after Mass Shooting

In the aftermath of a shooting

Help your children manage distress

As a parent, you may be struggling with how to talk with your children about a shooting rampage. It is important to remember that children look to their parents to make them feel safe. This is true no matter what age your children are, be they toddlers, adolescents or even young adults.

Consider the following tips for helping your children manage their distress.

Talk with your child. Talking to your children about their worries and concerns is the first step to help them feel safe and begin to cope with the events occurring around them. What you talk about and how you say it does depend on their age, but all children need to be able to know you are there listening to them.

  • Find times when they are most likely to talk: such as when riding in the car, before dinner or at bedtime.
  • Start the conversation. Let them know you are interested in them and how they are coping with the information they are getting.
  • Listen to their thoughts and point of view. Don’t interrupt — allow them to express their ideas and understanding before you respond.
  • Express your own opinions and ideas without putting down theirs. Acknowledge that it is okay to disagree.
  • Remind them you are there for them to provide safety, comfort and support. Give them a hug.

Keep home a safe place. Children, regardless of age, often find home to be a safe haven when the world around them becomes overwhelming. During times of crisis, it is important to remember that your children may come home seeking the safe feeling they have being there. Help make it a place where your children find the solitude or comfort they need. Plan a night where everyone participates in a favorite family activity.

Watch for signs of stress, fear or anxiety. After a traumatic event, it is typical for children (and adults) to experience a wide range of emotions, including fearfulness, shock, anger, grief and anxiety. Your children’s behaviors may change because of their response to the event. They may experience trouble sleeping, difficulty with concentrating on school work or changes in appetite. This is normal for everyone and should begin to disappear in a few months. Encourage your children to put their feelings into words by talking about them or journaling. Some children may find it helpful to express their feelings through art.

Take “news breaks.” Your children may want to keep informed by gathering information about the event from the Internet, television or newspapers. It is important to limit the amount of time spent watching the news because constant exposure may actually heighten their anxiety and fears. Also, scheduling some breaks for yourself is important; allow yourself time to engage in activities you enjoy.

Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. Be a model for your children on how to manage traumatic events. Keep regular schedules for activities such as family meals and exercise to help restore a sense of security and normalcy.

These tips and strategies can help you guide your children through the current crisis. If you are feeling stuck or overwhelmed, you may want to consider talking to someone who could help. A licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist can assist you in developing an appropriate strategy for moving forward. It is important to get professional help if you feel like you are unable to function or perform basic activities of daily living.

Thanks to psychologists Ronald S. Palomares, PhD, and Lynn F. Bufka, PhD. who assisted us with this article.

Updated April 2011

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Tips for Young Adults: Transitioning to College or Work

ADHD Weekly Newsletter

Tips for Young Adults:

Transitioning to College and Work

Is your teen finishing high school and preparing for the next stage of life? Starting college or a new job can be exciting. Both offer the opportunity for greater independence, meeting new friends and colleagues, and learning new skills. It can also be a stressful time for most young people. For many young adults affected by ADHD, strategies that previously helped them manage ADHD symptoms may no longer be effective for their new independence.

We have some tips you can share with your young adult as he transitions from high school to college or career.

An all-new experience

Your young adult will be leaving a familiar structure when he starts college or lives independently to begin his career. There will be new people, new rules, and new ways of thinking. While this offers many opportunities for young adults, it also presents new challenges.

“Parents and teenagers alike should know in advance how totally different a college or university is from home,” Edward Hallowell, MD, writes in Delivered From Distraction. “At home, someone makes sure you don’t watch TV or surf the Net all day and all night. Someone makes sure you get physical exercise. Someone makes sure you eat right and don’t abuse drugs or alcohol (more or less). At most colleges, no one sees to any of this.”

Start with recognizing how these changes—from the structure of the school day and home life–will affect your young adult’s ability to stay focused, manage his time, and plan effectively. Knowing this in advance can help young adults prepare for the newness of college or job, and be less likely to become overwhelmed by the need to change the strategies used to manage ADHD symptoms.

“Parents and students ought to prepare for this transition methodically, instead of simply letting the student jump into the college environment [or living independently] literally overnight, hoping she can swim,” Dr. Hallowell says.

Get organized early

Your young adult should take time to understand his strengths and challenges and how ADHD symptoms might affect him before he starts college or his new job.  This analysis can help him create his plan for success. Common issues for people affected by ADHD in college and in the workplace include:

  • procrastination or poor organization and time management
  • self-care – managing sleep, forming healthy habits
  • difficulty keeping current with tasks, assignments and reading
  • emotional and social problems making new friends and colleagues
  • independently managing emotions and stress level
  • distractibility and difficulty focusing
  • prioritizing, setting goals, creating and following plans

—See more at Succeeding in College with ADHD

When your young adult understands his unique set of symptoms and likely challenges, he can create strategies for effectively managing them and practice using those strategies before his transition. Many young adults will work with their parents or a coach to create their transition plans and give parents the opportunity to offer support during this time of life.

It’s okay to ask for help

Young adults are now in the position to make decisions on disclosing a diagnosis of ADHD to their colleges, universities, and employers. Sharing an ADHD diagnosis with a school or employer is a personal decision that needs to be considered carefully, and many young adults will discuss this choice with their parents first. Obtaining accommodations and support services greatly increases a young adult’s chance of success in college. According to a recent study, only 20 percent of college students with a diagnosis who received academic accommodations in high school informed their universities of their disability status. Of those students who did, only 19 percent used the resources available.

There are many reasons a young adult might choose to disclose, or not disclose, an ADHD diagnosis. Some young adults may think they are effectively managing their symptoms and do not need additional support or help, while others may be concerned about the potential for a negative impact at work or from professors. Whatever the reason, it is important to understand the transition will likely cause significant stress, which, in turn, can aggravate ADHD symptoms.

Students who do receive support and accommodations at their colleges or universities tend to experience lower levels of stress and frustration, and higher levels of academic success. Campuses have a variety of support services, in addition to disability services, from tutoring and learning assistance, to writing and developmental classes.

Young adults considering entering the workforce or starting a career might seek assistance from a career counselor, psychologist, social worker or other health care worker with career counseling. Specific career training can be helpful in understanding and coping with ADHD on the job. Unfortunately, too many people who wait to be noticed and helped find themselves floundering in the workplace before assistance is offered, if it is at all.

Many young adults have difficulty asking for help. Talk with your young adult about how to recognize that he is struggling, and how to appropriately ask for help. Identify whom to ask (such as human resources) and what supports to ask for. You and your young adult might be interested in 5 Ways to Get Better at Asking for Help from Harvard Business Review for suggestions in starting this conversation.

For more information to help your young adult decide if disclosing an ADHD diagnosis in the workplace is the best choice, visit Workplace Accommodations Can Make You and Your Employer Successful.

Tips for managing the transition from high school student to young adult

Every person affected by ADHD has a unique set of challenges. He also has a unique set of skills to offer a college or employer. It is important for your young adult to consider his symptoms and his skills when designing strategies and accommodations for school or work. See Tips To Help You Succeed at Work if your teen is going off to a new job. And below are more suggestions to share with your young adult who’s going off to either college or career:

  • Managing distractions. External distractions from noise and movement in the environment, and internal distractions such as daydreaming, can be a significant challenge for many people affected by ADHD. A quiet workplace or cubicle, noise cancelling earphones, or soothing music help reduce surrounding noises. Create a routine time to check and return phone calls and email. Jot ideas down on a notepad to remember for later, to help you stay focused and not become distracted from your current task.

    College requires a greater level of focus than high school, and the work environment requires more than college. Strategies for managing impulsivity and emotions can include practicing meditation and relaxation techniques, and learning to use self-talk to monitor impulsive actions. It’s important to learn to anticipate problems that can trigger impulsive reactions and developing routines for coping with these situations. Taking frequent breaks, exercise, walking up the stairs rather than taking the elevator, and taking notes during meetings and lectures can help with hyperactivity and feelings of restlessness.

  • Poor memory. Failing to meet deadlines can have serious consequences. Use a day planner or smartphone apps to help a young adult stay on track with tasks and events. Write notes on sticky pads and post them in visible places and write checklists for complicated tasks or projects. Recordings or extensive note taking for meetings and classes can help externalize memory and create reference materials.
  • Time management. Use devices with reminders and alarms and program them to remind you five minutes before the next task, class or meeting. Avoid over-scheduling the day by over-estimating how much time each class or meeting will take. Break down larger projects or tasks into small, step-by-step pieces with target dates and record them in your day planner.
  • Medication is an important tool for many people affected by ADHD. It is critical for young adults to learn to manage their medications before entering college or the workplace—young adults should know what medication they take, understand how the medication affects them, and know how to assess if the medication is helping them. As adults, they are responsible for taking their medication, refilling their prescriptions, and making their doctor’s appointments. Many young adults will work with their parents during their transition, to fully manage their own medications.

    Dosages and when to take medication frequently change when a young adult begins college or a job. Longer work days and increased demands for learning and productivity may require an adjustment for medications. A young adult needs to work with his healthcare provider to determine the best treatment plan for his needs.

—Adapted from Succeeding in College with ADHD and Workplace Issues.

Ready for the next adventure

Is y0ur young adult ready for the transition from high school to college and work? This is an exciting time and stressful for most young adults. You can work with your young adult to help him understand the possible challenges young people might experience as they move toward independence. Together, you and your young adult can prepare ahead of time for those challenges and create a strategy for avoiding significant stress.

Looking for more resources to share with your young adult? Check out:

This article appeared in ADHD Weekly on June 01, 2017.

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